It's much easier to claim to be returning than it is to actually return. I find myself often crippled by my ADHD, unable to move from my position to begin the work that needs to be done if one is to write a blog. Unfortunately this lack of motivation is paired with a similarly frustrating shame at the notion that I am some how failing to be productive. Okay, well, that might be true but if I am being crippled by my own brain than why should I feel shame on top of the whole thing? It suggests that I am somehow in control of my brain but science and self-discovery have proven that to be greatly untrue.
I started writing another post for the blog here but it feels somewhat disingenuous in its current state. I might consider myself to be a lot of things but I try to lie as honestly as I can, if it doesn't feel right then it might never see the light of day. I don't tend to have a lot of unpublished material; when I do it is stuff I write by hand. Writing in a journal by hand is a fascinating exercise. I never know where my thoughts are going to lead me and I never know the purpose of them. Though I guess they look a lot like this post does, complete with the faux-narration tone.
Until a few weeks ago I was working as a ghostwriter and I hated it. Absolutely made me want to fucking end myself. The first chance I had to duck that job I took and now I enjoy a job of tending after chickens, weighing and sorting eggs. But that didn't mean I would stop writing, though definitely it lets me slow down. I have another book I'm helping Wayne Clingman with and then one that we are co-writing. I am also doing social media writing with some lawyers, which pays a helluva lot more than the ghostwriting ever did - though it does flex some of the same muscles.
More than anything lately I have been preparing. I don't know quite what for, however. Part of me is thinking I might attempt NaNoWriMo this year but I haven't decided on a project yet. I have a handful of film studies books I want to write and even more tales of fiction to spin. I find myself spacing out at D&D sessions and during slow periods at work and writing character studies and scenes in my notebook. No idea what they're going to end up used for but the air feels like something is building. I'm working to get Fear Academy back on track over at Scriptophobic and I'm trying to write more on here. I seem to be struggling, against that ADHD previously mentioned, but it seems that getting ahead on my article duties is an important step towards clearing up the time for what's to come next...
I feel a bit like the the father who never came back from the store when I return to Writing Darkness. My original conception of the site was for it to be simply a place where I could spill thoughts out of my head with no real concern for who was reading them. But then I had the misguided idea that perhaps I should treat it a little more professionally. After all, it is my author's blog.
That idea proved to be damaging to my productivity and the amount of words I've written on here. The last post was in February if the archive is to be believed. Trying to keep an air of professionalism is a little difficult for me. I'm chaos. My mind zooms back and forth from dick jokes to metaphysical explorations to the science of creativity to film studies to experimental narratives and a thousand and one other things. It's perhaps no surprise that I'm medicated for my ADD.
Instead of trying to be so professional, I am returning to Writing Darkness with the express intent of writing about whatever topic catches my fancy. I have some topics lined up that do mesh well with the previous posts and continue the professionalism theme but they're no longer going to be the dominating factor. Instead that factor is now simply myself, my wants and my obsessions. In all likelihood if you've found this site then you're a fan or friend of mine (or my mother) and so you'll have an idea of what you're getting into.
But to put the blame entirely on the misguided theme would be to discount just how fucked up 2020 has been, how much psychological damage my previous job caused me and a whole whack of other shit that has fueled Writing Darkness's swan-dive to obsolesce. In the coming weeks you can expect some discussion on the way that mental framing and self-image can harm productivity, as well as an honest look at my struggle with writer's block and how a return to the noble heart of creativity has helped me to patch myself back together.
Do you care? Who knows. Let's be honest, this is more for me than for you. Isn't it always?